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Taking Stock

It’s that time of year when we all start getting a bit nostalgic, looking back at Christmas past and scrutinising the last year, what we’ve achieved – or not!  Looking forward to the next year, planning how much we can cram in and how much better we’ll do in the year to come.   

Looking back at my life to this time last year, or the year before come to think of it, it couldn’t be any different, it’s like worlds apart!   Just 12 short months ago my life was in tatters and my future uncertain, I was suffering from horrendous depression, PTSD and anxiety, I couldn’t see a way out. I’d lost interest in everything & questioned every single part of my life.  I hated the farm, my home it all felt fake and tainted not to mention the massive amount of debt I was now in, I could see no escape which made me feel even worse, I was royally stuck and I hated it!  

Putting on a brave face, like nothing was wrong, pretending I was fine when I felt like I was dying inside and all I wanted to do was crawl in to bed and never get out was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  

I’d like to say I got through because my upbringing made me resilient but the truth is, that took me so far in the journey of life, there is only so much one person can take and I’d already taken a lot.  This was new territory for me, I was weak from my previous recent battles, this side swiped me, I didn’t see it coming, it completely knocked me off my feet and stamped me into the ground hard!   

A year to the day I publish this post my ex-partner tried to kill me.  I’d found out four months earlier that he had been lying to me and his family for years.  I’d bought the farm with this man, I loved him, he was my best friend, the only person I trusted without question, we were building a life together and I thought we were happy.  We’d had a fantastic year that year so far, things had started to shift in our direction after 3 years of heartache and struggle, I was excited, inspired and enthusiastic for the first time since we’d bought the farm, he seemed to feel the same.  Turns out he was just a very good actor!  

I have been through quite a few scary situations in my life, but the night he appeared in my bedroom just a few days before Christmas with my young daughter sleeping in the room below was beyond terrifying.  My room was a small converted attic room, when he opened the door I knew it wasn’t going to go well and immediately tried to look for an escape but there wasn’t one.

He’s over double my size and ten times stronger, after previous altercations I couldn’t escape I knew he easily overpowered me.  I sat up in bed and tried to talk to him, keeping my voice calm even though waves of panic rushed over me, my heart was pounding and my whole body was shacking.  

When he sat on my legs in bed applying his full weight and spat when he spoke I knew what was coming.  I couldn’t hear what he was saying, fight or flight had kicked in, adrenaline was rushing through my body, my mind was in overdrive as I glanced round looking for some kind of weapon I could use to protect myself.  As he got closer to my face, spitting on me, prodding and shoving me fear took over, I pushed him hard, freed my legs and jumped out of bed telling him to stop. 

It all happened so fast he pinned me against my bedside table jabbing me in my rib’s I tried to push him away and slapped his face. He wasn’t going to stop and punched me in the face knocking me back on to the bed then dragged me by my hair on to the floor, pinning me down he put his hand around my throat and squeezed hard.

All I could think about in that moment was my daughter in her bedroom below finding my body as I kicked and struggled trying to escape.  As I felt myself starting to blackout something told me to stop fighting, just be still, don’t move, so I lay there like I was dead, he let go and I breathed.  But he came back for more squeezing tight round my throat, I lay there this time thinking “Are you fucking kidding me?  After every single shitty thing I’ve been through is this how my life is going to end?  With this disgusting gutless creature taking it from me.  Not today!”      

To this day I don’t know what came to my hand but what ever it was I grabbed it and hit him with it hard.  He released his grip and gasping for breath I dragged myself up with my weapon in hand and screamed at him. There was no way I was going to let Molly find her murdered mothers body, there was no way this deceitful bastard was going to take my life from me, the table had turned I was no longer afraid I was fucking angry!  

I don’t know where it came from as my battered, bruised and blooded body stood there tall, strong and fearless screaming at the top of my voice at this man who’d just kicked the shit out of me and tried to kill me, but I got strength from somewhere and like a crazed animal I got him out!  

I sat on the edge of my bed numb and exhausted for the rest of that night wondering how the next day I would carry on as normal, as if nothing had happened and hide this from my family. 

I didn’t contact the police for reasons that are too complex to explain here, let’s just say I trust them less than my ex and that’s a story for another time.  

It’s been a hard road particularly the early part of this year, moving forward was tough, making decisions about our future here was difficult.  There were times when it would have been so easy to give up and times when I very almost did!  But I am so please I hung on and kept going. 

I’m not out of the woods financially yet, pressure is pretty immense, but I’ll keep going, keep trying and keep pushing.  I have some grand plans for 2020 if I keep looking forward and don’t ever become a victim of my past or let my past define me, I am sure things will work out exactly as they are meant to.  

As I sit here today, I feel so incredibly lucky and privileged to have my beautiful farm and home but more importantly my amazing family and my animals, without them I would have nothing to fight for.  I’m filled with gratitude every day for the life I have, there is nowhere else I’d rather be.   

E x

1 comment

  • Merry Christmas and all the best for 2021, hoping you could take out of your head
    all these horrble moments you has to go through

    RAYMOND Marie

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